Infertility & Pregnancy Loss (Chemical Pregnancy)

I have been staring at this computer for what feels like forever. You know the feeling when you have so much to say, and yet you don’t know know how to compute the words? That’s exactly what this feels like. 

There is so much unknown. So much I will simply just never know, and it’s so unsettling. It makes my skin crawl. I feel like this baby was taken way too soon. Because this baby shouldn’t have been taken at all. I thought because this loss happened so soon, it would make it less painful to bare. But now I find myself left with all these questions, all this hurt. And I don’t know how move forward. I don’t want to move forward. I think that’s my biggest fear to be perfectly honest. I have zero closure. Nothing to memorialize this loss.

I don’t want to go on without this little life. I don’t want to forget this baby. I don’t want to get over it. But nothing I do, will make this any better. And nothing I do will give me the answers I so desperately want and need. This is my baby, and I don’t know anything about it. Was it a boy? Was it girl? What would we have named this baby? Why did this happen? What is God’s plan? Why did God plan this? What do I tell Ellena? How I answer the simple question of how many children I have? I can’t say only one because that’s not true. Do I explain the miscarriage? Do I say one earth side, and one angel?

I don’t understand any of this. This hurt is the most painful feeling in the world. I keep thinking if I had any of these answers I would feel better. But simultaneously I know it would hurt just the same. 

I remember praying so hard before, and after my transfer telling God, “please let this work, and let me pregnant, or don’t let this work at all. Because God, you know my heart, and you know I won’t be able to get through this” and what do you know? Here I am, having to get through this. 

My heart will never be the same. Before this, I had only ever gotten one other positive pregnancy test. And that was with my daughter. Who is everything in the world to me. And when this test was positive, I dreamt up a whole world for that baby too. To now know the painful reality of getting a positive pregnancy test and knowing it could very well end in absolute devastation is a feeling I will never recover from. Just learn to live with. 

Seeing those two pink lines had always made feel so hopeful, so safe, so secure in knowing my baby was safe, and my dreams of growing my family were finally coming true.  And now seeing two pink lines be there, and two pink lines fade away, and watching a blood test go from positive to negative, will forever leave a scar on my heart. 

Not only am I battling infertility, but also pregnancy loss. And as much as I know this has broken me, and hurt my heart, I know God has a plan for me. He has a purpose for my life and he will never betray me. His love for me is unwavering, and I have to have faith in that. God will never forsake me. And right now, I don’t understand, and I probably never will understand why this had to happen. But I know one day God will grant the desires of my heart. I will not give up faith no matter how hard this may be. I will continue to pray for me, my family, and my baby who I have yet to meet. I know one day I will be greeted at the gates of Heaven by this beautiful little soul, and it will be the most beautiful introduction yet. 

Grief has no time frame, and I will take as long as I need to heal from this loss. But, I will not let this break me. I am a wife, and a mom and I play a very important role in our family and household. I know this loss is too big for me to handle on my own, and that is why I am seeking therapy. I have no shame in needing additional help, and I have no embarrassment in doing so. I have blessings too big to not give my all. I want to be the best wife, and mom possible and I know therapy will help me to be that. When the waves of grief become to big to bare alone, never let them consume you. Be proactive, and know that God loves you, and he has given us the wonderful blessings of therapist to navigate even the most difficult of storms.

***The pictures included on this blog post are the pictures we were intending to use for our pregnancy announcement. While there will be no announcement, I still felt the need in my heart to share these beautiful photos. My baby existed, and this pregnancy mattered.